The Beautiful Journey

"You are leaving home. You don't know if you will ever return. You are part of an exodus into an unknown future. Pack a small, portable box or suitcase...Think quickly: you don't have much time. Pack lightly, you are a nomad now. We are leaving..."
(Bill Mitchell / Mercedes Kemp, The Beautiful Journey)

SO. It is the night before my flight. One more sleep in my own bed, WITHOUT a room-mate, one more day being woken up by the dog, one more morning opening my curtains to the blue, blue sea. I need an entry describing the logistics of the trip, how this all came about. This will not be that entry. Emotions are running high, and I am conscious of the fact I haven't actually got there yet...

Anyway. I have spent the last two weeks saying goodbye to everyone. And have discovered that no matter how many times you say bye, it doesn't actually sink in that you are not going to see them for SIX MONTHS. My brain refuses to accept it, and just placates itself by going "Oh no it's fine, you'll see them at the next gig or whatever". In addition, discovered that you cannot see everyone you want to, no matter how much you try to timetable your life. The old cliche...there are not enough hours in the day. I have decided that next time, I will just not tell anyone. It would make everything much easier. I can avoid the late night calls that twist my stomach and make me question if it will be worth it or if I will ever stop missing these people. I've had so much fun and done so many amazing things recently that part of me doesn't want to go, doesn't want to miss six months of being a total idiot like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM4lAkpfSFk , with people I know better than I know myself. Probably unfunny to everyone who wasn't involved, but it still nearly reduces me to tears every time I see it.

Farewell hugs are heartbreaking. You just can't convey years of friendship and shared memories, can't express how much you love someone, in an embrace. And it's the hardest part, knowing that you can't share all your new experiences with your nearest and dearest. Photos and words don't come close to describing everything. Which kind of makes me wonder why I'm even bothering trying. All I know is that I know very little, that I will soon be a little fish in a very big pond, and that this will either leave me a dribbling wreck with agoraphobia, or it will make me able to tackle anything life can throw at me. I'm absolutely terrified, but at the same time I've never felt more alive.

So, time to sleep, here's hoping I wake up without that little knot of worry in my stomach, that I am trying so very hard to ignore. It's slowly being overtaken by excitement and curiosity. Fevered dreams ahead!